11/4/24

Almost a year not writing in this damned thing... kinda funky but yeah. Got a boyfriend now, hes really pretty and holy fuck he uh [redacted for TMI] and that shit got me head over heels like holy damn. and if that silly not so little guy is reading this just know that i love you very much :3
I feel though in other parts of my life its at a standstill cant find a job that is worth a damn and my sleep schedule is making it hard to work on things i like, like this cite and also drawing. Speaking of art though I have been making a crow costume!! need to make the right hand and finish the claws and palm of hand... welp im going to draw some hp lovecraft monster for my bf now yippie !!

3/25/24

Long time, no see... back at it again with making journal entries :) it feels kinda weird tbh, but hey who the hell cares. im currently going through a job i started like two? months back. its shit and i hate it. also am trying to get more involed in the community here cause we dont have an ems division of our own and only have other ambulance companies from other places around here occasionally stick around town. hoping ill get on one of the commities so i can give a new face and perspective on things. and failed 2/3 drivers tests so far, but im also in need of a new permit here soon too lmao... that damn parallel parking... right now my site is leaning into a more tech/cyber theme but im still keeping the color pallete similar because the yellows are my favourite and it looks really nice, im also aware of the nav links may be missing the "[]" and still use "**" and may not have the IRL info [name subject to change] link, but im planning on actually making custom buttons for it finally. ive also been making patches to sell at my towns bigfoot fest, aside from hunting the only other thing that gets so many people into town is the trails. i plan on avoiding on paying for a vendors spot by setting up a table in the front of my house, people pass by it when walking to the fest anyway so fuck it may as well... anywho im tired so im gonna head to bed, gn chat <3

12/12/23

ouagh, hello, currently trying to get back into things i like and things that give me freedom to be myself. This damned job has fucked me in the ass mentally so much as well as my coworkers that we lost 8 people in this month. I am going to try to get back into doing things with this site and whatnot, maybe changing the whole theme (though its nice right now) and i want to start embracing my anaarchocommie side. seeing i have no other place to turn too, working in a non union job at a fast slop place. so anyway, im back bitches

6/13/23

IM A HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATE :D
its crazy didnt think id do it fr fr. but i did! on other news, grandpa isnt doing great, been bed bound since memorial day ig, its taken a toll on dad and is making him hella volitile and shit twards me.. but ill leave this fucked up town soon enough, got work in the noon time so hopefully idd add some stuff here in the morning, man how i missed the sound of my mechanical keyboard... but inbetween work and sleep i hope to interact with guestbooks and shit, if you look at the guestbook rn i changed the pallet to match my current site but im thinking a red or monochrome pallete would be neat, and trying my hand at making more buttons n shit for my site would be nice too

5/2/23

Holly shit okay- right now i got some mad heart burn or smthn, but also some good ol dysphoria, what i just noticed/ realized is that when someone defends me in being trans, how rare it may be, it feels foreign. as in a family that "loves" me but never supported or acknowleges my trans or lgbt identity, like my therapist said, its like the old 'dont ask dont tell' thing in the military, and im now single again, i think ima look on Tami for someone to hang out with, or something, yk, and also save my money for a car, some old 5 thou car, and i dont know where id live at once im ready, but imi still 17, i have to get my mind out of this shit. i also think that this is from the anti trans legislation bill shit coming around to the states, and im really, really fucking afraid. and i cant reach out to my parents or even my """friend""" who is sitting next to me, i think im going to reach out to some discord server ive been in but never really interacted much, they seem cool, and i just need something right now, really, just anything. holy fuck....

4/17/23

Once again thinking of blood gore and vicera, yk, corpses n shit, not suprised, i mean i did watch The Devils rejects, and i want to look at the gore page i used to visit but i know thats just going to traumatize me and send me down a spiral, so no. and im going to take an anti depresson med soon, cause i can feel the intrusive thoughts coming back... Fuck my ears are itchy as hell, also turns out this scar gel i was using was making my arms break out in a rash, which i hate, cause it was also helping me clear my arms. (picking habit) also thinking on getting some piercing shit to do my septum and helix, ive wanted them for a while now and theyd look hella badass on me, also i guess we's getting snow, wtf its the MIDDLE OF APRIL, ah i hope all the rain form today freezes over everything so i dont have to go to school yk, fuckin hate that hic hole, filled with cousin fuckers and shitty cliques, ouagh i can go on and on, but you know what, ima clean my room and find my camcorder and whatnot and gather what i want for my trip to NYC. bye chat :3

4/11/23

found out that Dethklok is coming to a Pittsburg on Sep 8th, going to try to find someone who will take me if not my mom. also ive been wanting to edit my site a bit, adding moore red than yellow cause i think itd look nice or maybe lowering the banner n everything so its not flush w the top of the page... hmm ill think about it later...

4/10/23

Ive seen the therapist twice(?) ... yeah... twice now and i think this next apt im going to open up about my feelings of possibly having BPD, i dont think i do but i would be supprised if you get what that means, what made me go down this rabbithole is forgetting the whole one day, absolutly no memory of that day ever happening, and the occasional momentsd of true clarity and awareness of suroundings that happens. ... AND the feeling of the identity i say myself as feeling wrong, 'who is this, this isnt my profile' type of feeling, and im never one to self diagnose, but i do find that it could be possible i may have smthn more than what i was previously diagnosed with. hell even my prefered wrighting style changes-... well, thats about it...

3/28/23

Got my teeth filled, turns out my dentist got to see Against Me! before and after the lead singer transitioned, i find that hella cool. im watching a video about manhunt rn, the game seems mid but the story n shit is p cool. turns out that my teeth are the second lightest shade of filling they got, and that makes me feel good :> im going to use chat gpt to write my essay before i fail lmao though thats for later... ima take a shower and am thinking on making a satchel out of quilted patches and an old tee shirt as an inner lining

3/20/23

Dude today was fucking ass.... just in gengeral, bugs comin out of they hidey holes and piling up in the school floors. heartburn cause fuck you buddy ig, hey least my fav postal artist (thats not my s/o) liked my tweets so thats cool, (their acc is @stealyourtwt check them out!) moms going to call the insurance company to see if i can keep my therapist from the past or not. im also afraid of failing school so thats realllllyyyy fucking cute right? its senior year and i can write down these fucking diary posts but when it comes to an essay im fucking out of here yk, least its better than having a teacher that hates you for no reason ig. anywhooo its 11:37pm and i am TIRED. goodnight chat.

3/18/23

You guys watch Emesis Blue? its a tf2 full length movie, its hella good and i recomend you watch it, granted it is on youtube... i watched it last night for the second time last night while my firend watched it for their first. its crazy with the amount of time it must have took to make such a good movie, hell you dont even have to be into tf2 to watch it! im also getting back into listening to drum and bass, more specifially the ratchet and clank ost, the first two levels audio tracks are engrained in my mind from playing it as a kid lmao, its a nice day tbh, oh yeah been looking for ways to get a guest book and or chatbox up on here lmao okee bye for now :D

3/16/23

ive been siging the Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge by MCR, yeah like the wholw ass album lmao, it hits so well rn... also been thinking on using the name Dude but idk yk?

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